In just a few days I'll be bleeding. This translates to extra spiciness in my writing. Basically all the shhhh*t I've been brewing over in my mind for the last few weeks comes pouring out of me. It ain't pretty. But it's real.
Plus I've made a personal commitment to bring even more of my true voice out in the open. I'm not spicy on the blog because I like it. I simply am spicy.
Period. (see what did there?)
I've always looked at my assertive, direct nature with a little bit of trepidation. SHE makes me uneasy and uncomfortable.
Jesus, can you see the complexities here?
Which brings me to my next point. I have an extremely low threshold for anything that isn't real or worse fluff.
Fluff is that feel good POISON which actually creates more harm and distress than anything. Fluff comes in the form of stupid mantra's or other appealing spiritual by-passing "remedies" which temporarily lift your spirits only to have you free fall, slamming into the concrete on the way down.
I'm not famous and not too many people read what I write.
Some days thats cool. Other days, I just burn for others to read my words.
Why? Why is that?
Does it directly put money in my pocket or food on the table?
It's because my soul has something to say. Well many things.
I've been fumbling around for years talking about how we all need to saddle up and learn how to engage our pain and navigate the darkness (trauma, depression, anxiety, existential loneliness, and soul loss). In doing so, something is earned.
That something is purpose, truth, strength, and relief.
But it often goes like this:
3 steps forward, 2 back.... pause... charge forward or continue to regress..
10 steps forward, 2 back, 4 back, 6 forward...
1 step forward, 3 back, 1 step forward, 2 back...
You get my point— living life, healing, and personal growth are a multidimensional process. We spiral in and out, not climb a ladder.
Trauma and the impacts of trauma are real.
Who escaped childhood trauma free? I didn't. Odds are you didn't either.
Trauma (subtle and overt, singular and continuous) hard wires the developing brain— thus shaping and impacting adult coping mechanisms, living strategies, and the ability to genuinely connect with others.
Embracing pain, creating safety for the Self, and creating compassionate connections with others as an adult requires conscious effort, even more so for those who have been traumatized.
Studies are proving trauma can be inherited. While the field of epigenetics tells us we can affect how genes are expressed, thereby turning good and bad expressions on/off with conscious lifestyle choices, and neuroscience is stressing we can rewire the brain at any point in time.
This is great news.
And yet if you are like me, by the age of 5 I lived with a gaping whole in my heart. Significant soul loss had already occurred. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders in a constant state of anxiety, depression, or crippling concern. What followed in the developing years leading up to adulthood only compounded the trauma.
It wasn't until I woke up and realized that my pain, that bottomless pit of pain- the void is my teacher. The root cause? Identified.
But more importantly this void lives in me. There is no more soul loss to recover. Only to navigate being fully human while holding the pain.
This is called living with your sacred wound.
This is the initiation into meeting ourselves, experiencing loss, and learning how to recover, and move forward.
Everyone has a core wound which does not "heal" (at least not in the traditional sense). You don't outgrow it yet may experience reprieves. It's part of you, your story, the matrix of who you are.
I've noticed over the years those drawn to me share a core abandonment and /or mother wound. If you're really smart and read between the lines you might even catch a glimpse of my own. While I'll keep that private for now, I will share that in knowing my sacred wound I it's become a foundation of strength and solidity— informing who I am, what I need, what I see, and ultimately what truly soothes me.
Your sacred wound can be honored for the source of information and wisdom that it is, particularly as that informs your truth, your needs, and your values.
While perhaps not what you want to hear (or maybe it is): the work of being an adult is to undo most of the conditioning on your impressionable developing mind, and to honor your sacred wound.
Please don't just patch yourself up and move on. Stay with the pain. Discover what lies there. And please be gentle and kind to yourself.
You don't have to suffer in silence.
Find someone, you can trust to witness your pain and love you through it.
I believe in you 1000% and know that you'll follow the threads of your own personal path into the adventures of becoming YOU.