Congruent Living

OH SNAP! Where did your trust in life go?

Trust. The word sounds and feels so finite, doesn't it?
And yet my own experience shows me that trusting in life, in others, and in myself has been anything but...

To date, I've dedicated much of my life and brain space to understanding how to listen, how to interpret and how to act from a solid intuition, as well as understand the invisible forces at play everyday in our lives.

My conclusion is this....

Trust is a dynamic force.

It must be nurtured in real time.
The bucket you filled six months ago quickly empties, and it must be replenished.
The tiniest (unnoticed) trigger can cause a regression in a solid sense of trust.
And once there's a leak, it grows, commanding your attention and respect.
Thankfully, trust can be restored with awareness, focus, action and an open heart.

The current landscape.

One minute on social media serves up a continual buffet of terrible realities and worthy causes to rally for. (I do hope you are rallying for #blacklivesmatter, yes?)

When you zoom in on your own life, there are certainly real, human challenges you face regardless of your personal privilege. Perhaps these sound familiar...

  • How can I sustain what I've committed to / and am responsible for?
  • Where will the money come from? Will it be "enough"?
  • Where am I headed? (be it a move or a shift in your trajectory)?
  • How on earth will this mess work out?

Odds are you are facing at least one of the above questions, if not your own version of one of them. Often, the bigger the obstacle, the more willing we are to pay attention and work towards changing it.

For this post I want to zero in on the subtle nicks and sneaky triggers that unravel our minds and shackle our hearts.

One day you may wake up and realize that your trust in life has dissipated like a pot of boiling water left unattended.

Before I share with you the critical components to continuously fostering a healthy trust in life, I'll first give you a personal example of how I found myself in a black hole of doom.

Depression, a learned habit?

I've gotten really clear that before I ever struggled with addiction as a young adult, I first struggled with a mind that went awry. It's no secret that emotions follow suit. 

Even in recovery with an ungodly amount of tools and a library of knowledge I fall into the trap of depression. 

It's like a safe zone.
It's doesn't feel good but I know what I'll get when I'm there and that eventually it always returns. For many years I've witnessed my own patterns activate in the most bizarre, unfortunate times.

On the heels of pure joy and great success I often feel extreme sadness. 
Because I believe it won't last. It never has.
And so I wait for the other shoe to drop.
Because, you know it will.

Just under a year ago I up and moved to a new city, a new home, to everything new. It was a welcomed, positive move for me and my family but I quickly plummeted into the depths of despair when one thing after another broke or required repair in our new, lovely home.

The multitude of house repairs served as the unconscious trigger that sent me off the deep end into depression.

The anxiety spread furiously, leaving me dumbfounded for a bit. Angry, really.

And so I reached out for help to a few that I really trust and shared my pain. I knew on one level that it wasn't "real" that this was a habitual cycle I was playing out but I couldn't figure out how to rewire my brain.

I devoured books, nursed my wounds, listened to what my heart was asking of me, took some radical risks, and gently walked my way out of the fog.

"The secret to beating any fixed habit is to stop fighting with yourself, to find a place inside that isn't at war. In spiritual terms, that place is the true self... To challenge the depressed response, it's not sufficient to simply go inward. You must activate your real self and bring it into the world." 

-Deepak Chopra & Rudolph Tanzi :SUPER BRAIN

The ultimate key lies in accepting the creative power each human being possesses. 

That's right, you and me, we are actively shaping our reality. This truth never stops.
What's negotiable is whether we are consciously playing an active role in shaping reality or are we allowing life to habitually filter through our minds, strengthening old unconscious loops?

"Reality making is natural and effortless, while at the same time it is almost beyond belief."

-Deepak Chopra & Rudolph Tanzi :SUPER BRAIN

For me, the link between my habitual depression and cultivating a deeply, nourishing sense of trust in life go hand in hand. 

You see, they both require that I accept responsibility over my energy, my actions, and my mind. Perception is everything when it comes to personally experiencing trust.

(Don't think for one second I am suggesting merely shifting your perception is the answer to our world's problems. I'm specifically addressing YOU and YOUR experience of life.)

When you understand and accept that, as a complex human being, you have the ability to transform your perception by being awake, aware, and engaged through subtle tools, energies, and inspired action, your world opens up.

You are free to foster a continuous sense of trust in life and in yourself. Or to give yourself permission to return to this place you so desire.

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Ditching the fad of being a spiritual teacher.

Nowadays it seems like burning sage, adorning yourself with crystals, and talking to animal spirits is all the rage. Oracles and fortune tellers are the next big thing. 

Don't get me wrong I am ALL about divination and mystical practices; after all, I've dedicated MUCH of my life studying human nature, psychology and spirituality. However, I can't help but be turned off by the mass appeal of anything and unfortunately it appears to have infiltrated the mystical realm.

In my personal experience, dipping in and out of the mystical realms is not something to be taken lightly. Living as a mystic in truth is much less glamorous than all the feather, sunny images splashed over social media would have you believe. 

Initiation is brutal.

Brutal? Really. Isn't that a bit dramatic, I can hear you asking.

No. BRUTAL is exactly how I would describe it.

Fetal position,
soul piercing loneliness, 
chronic pain and illness,
pure suffering,
was my way in.

It remains so.

Do I consider myself lucky or special? No. 
Not one bit.

Last spring I had a big wake up call. I had become attached to the idea of being a spiritual teacher. I wanted to be seen and valued for knowledge and skills in this particular area.

I took a look around at myself and saw that I was pouring more of my heart into selling myself and convincing you I was wise and tuned in rather than living it. 

And so I quit fucking doing that.

I didn't make any outward declarations. Instead I broke up (gently and gradually) with people and projects that had me tied in, in this way.

I came face to face with my life and what I was really doing.

Think: living by distraction. 
The solution? Digging in with my family.

I suddenly started to honor my stronger desire to feel the grass on the bottom of my feet rather than have someone listen to my words. Sidebar: have you ever felt the grass ever so lightly tickle the soft soles of your feet as you swing? It's heaven and I recommend it.

I basically vanished from all social media after asking myself: what's the point? 

I turned a mirror on myself and saw the places where I wasn't capable of seeing my truth and my true desires. And so I just sat with it all, sans distraction.

And with my children and their marshmallow cheeks. And made radical (aka terrifying) but oh so necessary decisions. 

What's unfolded since has been a radical shifting. A total reconfiguration of how I communicate and stay in relationship with the spirit realms. I dream of being totally embodied one day but truth is my mind is a STRONG force and she entices me more often that I like to the land of rational thinking.

I once had a teacher tell me that I would have to become unhooked in all the places I was tied in. Turns out she was right. 

We are never fully unhooked, the ego follows us and shape-shifts alongside of us. We can either see her, honor her and work with her OR become the shadowy, rejected parts. I choose to see and BE. 

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the mystics rhythm, body temple and wavering wellness

I’ll tell you what: I believe mysticism is a very serious endeavor. One must be equipped for it.
— Elie Wiesel

A topic I recoil from? wellness: body wellness.

Why?

Shame.
Pure and simple. shame.

So often when the conversation of wellness comes up (especially in the digital self help world) it boils down to self care. there is an implied truth in there, that if you are not well it is because, well you aren't taking good enough care of yourself. 

I call bullshit.

For me, for my fellow mystics, for every other woman who folds her self into regular luxurious self care and yet we STILL grapple with wellness.

Sometimes radiant wellness and vibrancy emerges from me like dragons breathe and other times, often in long winded sections I am the snail, sliming along having to watch every moment in action, in FULL awareness with the willingness to stop drop n roll into full blow recovery mode.

My body temple is my antenna and ultimate guidance system.

After all it is she who led me to...

  • the doorstep of the shaman in the first place, after failing to find ANY relief in virtually ALL other alternatives
  • feeling the pulse of the Earth and the love of the grass on the bottoms of my feet
  • magic, real magic

I respect and honor my body temple because she brings me to my knees in ways NOTHING else can.

Illness is an initiation, a life force to engage NOT avoid.

And so I spiral back to where I started....

Wellness, illness, pain, joy, suffering AND everything in between serve us.
Sometimes it sucks, for sure.

But the pay off is grand understanding, alchemy within the apparently useless muck, and MAGIC, yes there is always magic. 

And so when my body is weak and weary and it is clear I must pull back the reigns
I will...

  • dedicate my attention and awareness to the care of my vessel
  • listen and honor my body temple by responding to her needs
  • bypass shame for the ways I care for myself (be it small or extravagant)
  • rest, rest and rest some more
  • be gentle and loving and NOT pressure myself to be "well"
  • respect my limitations
  • lean in to the mystery of my ailments
  • consider the possibility that something is being transmuted 
  • seek help and support from medical providers, alternative therapies and healers as needed (again without beating myself up)
  • remain open to outcomes and possibilities
  • find appreciation for the journey and be grateful for any + all forms support
  • revel in relief

As I explore new territories and venture further than I've ever been I do so in partnership with my body.

She guides me to my truth.

I am at home when we are in-sync, be it vibrant health or wavering wellness. 


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